Hand-in-Hand, We Begin a New Journey

Oh, hello. I didn't see you come in. Gave me quite the startle, really. Next time, it would be appropriate to consider knocking, appointment or no. Anyway, take a seat ... no, not that seat. That's the good seat. There, that seat will be just fine. I'll ask at this point that you remove your shoes, and make yourself as comfortable as possible.

First, a few administrative this-and-thats: I am required by law to inform you that the multimedia blogging experience that you are about to enjoy can be hazardous to those who are pregnant, nursing, slightly overweight, chubby, pudgy, skin-and-bones, allergic to mold or mildew, adverse to peanuts, average in physical stature, or those who rely on a certain type of pacemaker. If you presently are suffering, or have in the past suffered from one or more of the above conditions, please click HERE for alternative ways to experience "INCREDIBLY LOUD WRITING!"

Undoubtedly, the first thing you'll want to ask is "This blog has a great name!" That's not really a question. Oh, the things you'll learn with my guidance. What you meant to ask was, "How did you come up with such a genre-defying summation of all the things you hope to accomplish in this life-changing blog?" The answer to your fair (if understated) question is indeed complex. Perhaps a list would be helpful; after all, we all learn in different ways.


"WHAT'S IN A NAME?" BRILLIANCE, THAT'S WHAT: THE LIST


STEP ONE: BY GEORGE, I THINK I'VE GOT ONE! Truly the most rewarding facet of selecting a name for just about anything (a band, your dog, that kid I found in the park) is the moment when inspiration strikes. It makes the lonesome minutes of looking around the room, verbalizing objects that you see in hopes of random non sequitur glory ("The Bedsheet Curtains...well, it does kinda sound like a killer name for my black-metal band...") worth it in the long run.

STEP TWO: OH BUMMER; SOMEONE ALREADY HAS THAT ONE. Well, that's lame. You've struck gold once; time to strike again while the iron is still hot.

STEP THREE: REALLY, SOMEONE HAS THAT ONE, TOO? Panic starts to creep in. As it seeps into the back of your throat, you feel you must quell the burning taste of failure, somehow, someway. Perhaps a shot of whiskey and three or four beers will do the trick? That'd be good for inspiration--a hideous bitch goddess here to punish the sober--anyway.

STEP FOUR: NOW COME ON, THAT'S NOT EVEN A REAL FUCKING PHRASE, THERE'S NO WAY SOMEONE ALREADY HAS THAT! WHO ELSE ON EARTH WOULD EVEN FUCKING CONSIDER THAT AS A TITLE? Though the whiskey has led to a waterfall of "hilarious" ideas, each and every last one has already been reserved by some dude from Maine, or some secretary in Oregon. Their first--and last--posts are dated in the neighborhood of September 2007, promising upcoming content and blog-related adventure. Should figure out a way to sue them, get those names. They're rightfully yours, anyway. You thought of 'em.

STEP FIVE: THIS THING IS BROKEN. WHAT ABOUT "ASSCLOWNSALAD FESTIVAL BLOG?" IF THAT SAYS IT'S TAKEN, THIS THING IS BROKEN FOR SURE, AND IT'S JUST NOT LETTING ME PICK A NEW NAME. YEP, THIS THING IS BROKEN, I'M SURE OF IT. "Assclownsalad Festival" is available. You briefly consider accepting it, and organizing an Assclown Salad Festival in order to justify blogging at that address. Instead, why not have another drink? Not much, just a lil' bit. Just a lil' bit.

STEP SIX: hA--Hang on,, I think I have 1one but I'm a little too dizzy haveta type with just one eye opeN! I can finish it tonite tho cuz I'm hardly even drunk



STEP SEVEN: ANY COMBINATION OF WORDS THAT HAS NOT YET BEEN RESERVED. You are hungry. You are tired. You are unbelievably hungover. It's just like college now; you've waited until the last second, and you have to get this shit done. "Paperless Writing?" Taken. Damn. "Words Without Paper?" Damn. "Wit and Wisdom From a Handsome Man?" DAMN, that one was good.

"Incredibly Loud Writing?" Da--wait, that one's open? We have a winner!
Fuck. Ing. Brilliant.

STEP EIGHT: THE CELEBRATION You've earned this. Genius takes a toll on the man daring enough to harbor the burden; indeed, you've earned the right to pop a cold one, have a seat, and call a few friends. You'll want to let everyone know what a great title YOU just came up with.



I'm sure you have further questions; you will be given ample time to address them. However, the bus has just left the barn on this journey of ours, and this is but one of many nuggets of wisdom that I'll all-too-willingly be imparting upon you.

In the future, I'll be filling this site with interactive pieces involving text and audio. I'll also be posting some short fiction, needless rambling, and fun audio creations.

So, what's in it for you? Well, the step-up the ladder in terms of human enlightenment and self-fulfillment can't hurt. However, you'll also have a once-in-a-lifetime chance to help pick a slogan for this blog coming soon; start dreaming about it now.

Please address any questions, concerns, or requests to view my wide-ranging self-nude portfolio in the comment box kindly provided by the good folks at blogspot.com

And with that, I bid you good day. Please send the next person in as you leave, and don't forget to grab your shoes. I think you put them under the good seat.